Just Another Day,

2009-06-16T02:51:00.001-07:00

2009-06-15T06:48:00.001-07:00

There are no words that could describe how the lot of you mean to me, so why are you all going away?

2009-06-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

My greatest takeaway from the past 2 months in army was the ability to appreciate my family about an infinite times more. Honestly, my eyes were really opened as to the good fortune that I have to have my family being there for me, and my eyes were at the same time made to water as I started sobbing uncontrollably one day on a cab to white sands after I felt that I have taken my mom for granted too many times and that I really need to appreciate her alot more.

I guess for people who do not have a specific ambition in the army because there is no point seeing as these 2 years do not have any major effect on the rest of your life, and also because SAF stands for Serve and Fu**off, things like these that strike you and make you see the light are the benefits that you get from army. Simultaneously, you learn to manage your time right down to every single hour because you only have that many bookout days to spend with your friends and family.

Then again, you don't get to organize the schedules of other people...

iwanttositontopofthatlistofpriorities;

2009-05-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

Honestly, every single trial, tribulation and torment that I went through, I inevitably found the same image floating up from the tangled strands of grey matter in my mind up to the top. It was recurring, and resurfaced all the time. Focusing on that, gave me the willpower, the resolve, the mental strength to pull through everything, even when I felt like giving up on the 18th minute of a 20 minute run at killer speeds in the scorching heat directly after yet another physical test an hour beforehand.

Honestly, I have always harboured the hope (wow, a sweet alliteration with h's) that I'd eventually pass that test that I've always yearned to pass, to be deemed worthy and to be the winner of that prize, to be looked upon by a pair of approving eyes. Feel free to swop approving with startlingly beautiful.

Honestly, I am slowly becoming smarter and realizing that it's an impossibly high standard to achieve. And I don't think I am quite capable enough to scale that height.

Honestly, I don't think you care anymore.

If you don't know, then you can't care

And you show up, but you're not there

The distance between us makes it so hard to stay;

2009-05-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

little by little
we gave you everything you ever dreamed of
little by little
the wheels of your life they're slowly falling off
little by little
you have to give it all in all your life and all the time
I ask myself why
you're really here

2009-05-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

I saw a warning sign, and then you -

feel me, up against the wall,

who said that it's better to have loved and lost - I,

wish that I had

NEVER LOVED AT ALL.

2009-05-10T02:34:00.000-07:00

breakdown,

rebound,

this could be my last goodbye;

you cross your heart, I hope to die

2009-05-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

my heart is a pulsating orb of bittersweet symphonies and memories reenacted all too often.

my head is a spinning whorl, a chaotic cacophony of indecision and contrasting conflict; a mindless object subject to the whims of the environment and the individuals.

you always yearn for something that you do not have, but sometimes even when you have it you regret having it, and always feel that the other option could be the better one. That's fickle-mindedness at its best, and we all give way to it at least once in our short lives. I say short because time just seems to have been flying past all too quickly recently, and its mind-boggling. But not everyone notices the things that I do. Not everyone cares as much as I do.

It's good though, to care that friggin' much; it makes for good motivation. Everytime you're going through some hellish torment and strain, it's a simple yet effective remedy to call up certain images or tell yourself certain untruths that serve to push you past those limits, although you know all too well that the 'reward' you tied to the end of a stick and held in front of your head as you trudged wearily through the ordeal is unlikely to materialize, because it doesn't depend solely on you. If it did, you'd have that carrot ages ago, all shiny eyes and raucous laughter.

absence makes the heart grow fonder - this statement is hardly true at all. Maybe it makes the heart bleed faster, that would ring with some truth, but then again, as with everything, it doesn't apply to everyone.

I cannot sate myself with just this meager dosage of you.

2009-04-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

hi everyone.
army's been fun and monotonous so far.

then again, army helps to take my mind off of things, although sometimes at night I still stand at that spot outside my bunk staring across the water, past the ferry terminal and at the mainland, and just think.

he doesn't catch you like i do,
and you don't know why,

you make me sad and happy,
and I don't know why;

2009-04-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

So.

I guess I should be pretty thankful, for the 3 or 4 months that I've had to have absolutely nothing but fun.

Still can't help feeling a bit down in the doldrums though.

Oh well. Shall see civilization again on Saturday anyway, unless my sergeant is difficult and doesn't allow me to come out, then I'll have a full manly confinement.

Good luck for med interviews everybody. (harold, nicole)
Nicole, seriously if you don't become a doctor you're not my friend. Ok kidding :P
Teefy, don't need to come here anymore, other than weekends, 'cos cannot update. (: I WILL MISS YOUUU
Mel, be strong, you will get through this week! Hm. Maybe when my confinement finishes I will no longer be at 'empty parking lot' level anymore huh. i will miss you hor-ree-buh-ly.
Nette, I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT ARMY WHEN I COME OUT I SWEAR IT! :D
Yihui, tell me if AVA responds k?? EH MUST SAY 'NO!' MORE OFTEN.

Ok I don't think anyone else reads my blog.

Buh-bye.

2009-04-08T09:55:00.001-07:00

bittersweet taste of talking and not talking to you.

2009-04-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

fuck lah, you think what, i'm invulnerable, impenetrable is it?

thanks a million.

okay just suck it in lah nigel.

2009-04-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together,
I lick my wounds but I can never see them getting better;

It's high time I realize that some things can't be changed, and can never be changed. It's just so despairing, you know, because you will never ever truly realize just how bloody much you mean to me.

somethingsgottachangethingscannotstaythesame
somethingsgottachangeitmust be rearranged

The room was silent as we all tried so hard to remember,
the way it feels to be alive; the day that he first met her.

It'd be kinda fun to have a movie where I'll watch those days and witness all the funny ways in which I slowly ruined the definition of rational thinking by getting twisted into more loops around you, but I'll no longer wish that I could turn back the clock as I've often done here, because there's no point getting caught up in the past.

So goodnight, hope that things work out alright;

2009-04-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, PMS-PIMP MY SHIRT!! VISIT THIS AND BUY!

I need to stop being irrational and think clearly. Maybe if I visit a psychiatrist it'll help... solve some of the personality deficiencies that cause that all too familiar leaden weight on my heart that keeps occurring all the time.

2009-03-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

korea.
will miss some, lots.
bye.

2009-03-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.

2009-03-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

It's stupefying how fast a week can fly by, and in the space of that week, what a great chunk of developments and thoughts have presented themselves; with a good mix of ups and downs in the fray to allow for a catastrophic tempest to stir itself into existence.

Obviously everyone received their results on friday. The day itself was rather special, seeing most people coming back looking at least a little different, as well as the majority of the boys having shaved heads. The announcement of the unprecedented performance by the cohort did nothing to alleviate the worries of those unconfident about their results, and the excitement and tension in the air was pretty palpable throughout and even after the principal of RI's speech. What came afterwards was a sizeable duration of nail-biting anxiety, being blessed with a form teacher that stuck to the rules and handed out the results according to index number is nothing good for a surname beginning with Y.

What followed was just an indescribable mix of emotions and reactions that seemed rather understandable at that point, but I now realize I didn't feel as strongly as I do now about those moments because of the mood in general. Being relieved at my own performance, and surrounded by many who produced equal or better ones as well, it was admittedly hard to consider those who did not do as well, and it must have been even harder for them to be there amongst everyone else, which explains the breakdowns that could be seen across the hall. Rather than running off to find my other friends in the hall to find out how they did, I should have stuck with my class and been there for those who needed all the support they could get. But it was so hard for me to be feeling relieved, bursting with pride and happiness for mel, being at a loss for others, inquisitive and concerned about other friends' performances, and all those other feelings wrapped up consecutively in the same tight sphere.

After everyone gradually slipped away, and I managed to get ahold of the 4A boys and other people around school, we settled in the canteen to basically just stone. It was there where it hit me that it absolutely did not feel right at all, having friends who had been with me throughout the entire studying period, putting in similar amounts of effort, booking library tables together, climbing into raffles rooms together, but did not have fortune smile upon them. One for all, all for one; i'm pretty sure many of the NS boys have had this notion from the Three Musketeers instilled into them deeply through their 9 weeks of BMT, and it certainly rings true, but how can you be all for one when not everyone is feeling the same way? And no matter what I say, no matter what I do, it just seems so hypocritical, because if I were in their position, I would be pretty upset myself, and nothing others would say could make me feel better. But to leave them alone is no option as well, and I guess a suitable way of dealing with it was ignoring talk of applications and grades unless in personal talks.

A further realization, of how friday was the last opportunity to meet everyone I ever came to know in RJ en masse, stirred up more melancholiness within, and it was the cold, hard truth that those random meetings with random friends in random places in the school would be no more, and with the opportunities for meetings gone, perhaps the friendships would fade in time as well. Out of sight, out of mind; a talk on the instant messenger can hardly be counted as 'keeping in touch', unless both parties are on different continents. Sometimes, even the messenger creates a barrier to communication, with the Busy sentry or Away gatekeeper serving as deterrents to starting a conversation. I mean, if they wanted to have a chat with you, they'd do it of their own accord, and not always wait for you to take the initiative, since you never know what the sentry/gatekeeper mean.

Then again, it's not to say that this short duration of time passed by without any happiness as well, since it's been pretty much full of frequent meetings with old friends and people associated with blue. What with late night suppers and random meals and then a lengthy trek around the Far East for hanson's birthday, it's been round after round of contact. Excellent stuff, keeping up the connections that had sparked off 6 years ago, when we were young boys in tight white pants in a seminar room with bad haircuts and bad dress sense, doing inane things with projectors and notice boards and getting into trouble with literature teachers with moles. We had the fortune to meet individuals from a house named after a man but in a girl's school, teaming up to have a pretty unglamorous title but pretty excellent moments.

But the week also made me realize how incredibly, incredibly flawed I am. Talking to kennedy at chompchomp while waiting for a table and tearing endlessly from the spicy smoke emanating from the barbecued sambal stingrays, we both rose pertinent (while objectifiable) points about friendships. Ken mentioned that it's hard to make close friends that you can keep for a life (or even a long) time, and I added on to his point with my view that it's very weird to have many 'best friends', since the word 'best' denotates the presence of a friend who's numero uno. I'd draw the line at having a 'female best friend' and a 'male best friend', but anymore than that and it's just a bunch of 'really close friends'. Such a topic remains forever within our minds, even though right now what occupies the surface would be university/scholarship applications and decisions of what we should do with our lives. But alongside these future plans, comes the inescapable truth that no matter whether our plans bring us to foreign lands or new, unexplored local fraternities, we're going to be separated from the friends we've made prior to this.

Some people are very carefree and happy-go-lucky, or perhaps, confident in the strength of their friendships. Unfortunately, they might not know how the balance in their friendship lies. More often than not, there's going to be only one person who feels that the other means the world to him, whereas the other doesn't feel as strongly. I am so terribly flawed, to be oversensitive to what friends do or don't do, and have to learn to accept that friends have other friends too. I am so terribly flawed, to have such unrealistic expectations. I am so terribly flawed, to be always wanting more. Just because you wouldnt mind meeting up for dinner everyday and hanging out late into the night, just having a chat about anything, doesn't mean she wouldn't mind as well! I would think that's pretty duh, nigel.

Maybe when the day comes that I stop minding about it so much, I'll finally step off the friendship ladder for myself and find out what it's like to be on the other one.

and don't mind my nerve, you can call it fiction,
but I like being submerged, in your contradictions, dear.

And times, they turn, and hearts disfigure,
But there's no concern, when we're wounded together,
and we, tore our dresses, and we, stained our shirts,
but it's, nice today;
o, the wait was so worth it ...

2009-03-02T22:12:00.001-08:00

Strange.

I've the same answer to that question as he does.

2009-02-26T07:25:00.000-08:00

May your smile, shine on.
Don't be scared; your destiny may keep you warm.

Of all those things, I miss that simper the most.

'Did anybody get the license number of that truck?'
You know, sometimes you tell yourself that you don't feel this way anymore, but the truth remains that it still hits you like a fourteen-wheeler.

'Cause all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday.

Inching further and further away, because all the little pieces of my heart are very very busy. It's okay. 2 days a week isn't enough time for so many, though.

'Cause all of us stars, we're fading away,
Just try not to worry, you'll see us someday.

You don't miss your water 'till the well runs dry. (:

'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. '
Though drama serials and even comedies preach against a defeatist attitude, acceptance is still the most vital. I need me some of that.

You'll never change what's been and gone;

2009-02-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

When nobody hears you scream,
I'll scream with you;

2009-02-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

What I miss about times passed and gone:

1. waking up at 9 am on saturdays to watch kids central cartoons (powerpuff girls! pokemon! digimon on channel 8! power rangers time force/delta force/aqua force/force = mass x acceleration)

2. my mom picking me up after school, making me lunch, then herding me into her study room to do assessments for 3 hours (she'd teach me math, I'd finish cloze passages so fast it'd make her head spin and tell her that her answer key was wrong)

3. sneaking out of school during lunch time (an offence in primary school -.-) to go to 7-11 to buy slurpees, then hiding under the staircase to drink them with friends while giggling like maniacs at our 'bravery' and 'badass-ness'

4. getting constant 90 marks and above for exams. primary school is evil... it builds you up with these easy papers and then in RI everything collapses.

5. yearly prize-giving sessions: attending rehearsals i.e. lining up in the hall, walking up on stage, taking a fake prize, bowing, walking down, then going for the real thing again with my mom taking photos and my friends watching. see above for primary school is evil point.

6. recess times, where I'd go to the back alley of my school with my 'gang' and play blind man's bluff or catching and muscle smaller kids out of the area. b@d@55

7. chicken rice add rice add meat costing $1.20.

8. first days of school... finding classmates with common interests and talking a little too animatedly about them in a bid to make friends, then attracting other classmates to join in the conversation. Ice-breaking games, stand-up-and-introduce-yourself-to-the-class-with-your-name-class-cca-interests, first day of school lectures.

9. coming back to school after long holidays even though you see some friends very often during the holidays: 'sia lah, new shoes ah?' 'eh new bag!' 'eh you lost weight is it?' 'eh shit i haven't finished the book review yet' 'eh whatever la i only read 5 pages' 'eh we got need to read book meh?!'

10. coming to school in the morning after intense dota games/tower defense games/whatever, walking to 4E to talk about it with the rest

11. buying breakfast from 7-11/S-11 on the way to school and finishing it before the first traffic light

12. ponning various celebrations to go to dhoby to play lan, thinking that the security cameras at the RI gate actually posed a risk to us walking out of school

13. Track & Field days - sitting around with classmates and enthu house people who hand out unchilled cans of pepsi blue to show support for morrison, treating the entire thing as a talk-cock session

14. running to RJ daily to have recess and tapaoing lemon tea and taking orders from 4A for gummies/cookies/pocky/etc.

15. totally ignoring notes and textbooks till about 3 days before exams - i love and hate you, raffles programme

16. orientations, '07 and '08

17. walking to school from bishan and walking back to bishan from school, whether alone or not

18. walking into lectures late with a 50% chance of getting commented on by the lecturer depending on his/her mood. chance increased by 49% if holding food, chance increased by 50% if lecturer is a subject teacher. 102.5% chance of classmates laughing

19. sleeping in lectures and never getting caught

20. fooling around in econs lectures with nicky and always getting caught

21. calling nicole in math lectures and not replying when she picks up

22. smsing tiff in math lectures to tell her to pay attention/stop eating snacks/stop sleeping

23. playing 'TAUFIQ! YOU SAY ... YOU HATE CHINESE?!?!' in chinese-dominated LTs/lifts/canteens/amphis

24. ponning lectures to sleep in the library/finish assignments/mug tests and the best one, go to the canteen with taufiq fungshing and choonwing to eat nice food and go do pullups

25. combined PE lessons with the girls (lol noobs :D)

26. using the school gym and whiling away time that could have been used for productive studying to train distractedly while talking to people like harold and jack

27. staying back after school to watch school productions

28. going out after school in school uniform

29. getting scolded by teachers for my hair, and only cutting it when they issue a warning

30. school

2009-02-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

struggling to stop the shattering;

youhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyou
havetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhave
tobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobe
strongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestronger
thanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthis
youhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhaveto
bestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestronger
thanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthis
youhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthisyouhaveto
bestrongerthanthisyouhavetobestrongerthanthis

YOUMUSTBESTRONGERTHANTHIS

2009-02-21T09:57:00.001-08:00

It's hard to forget that you've been forgotten;

2009-02-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

perhaps, the worst is that I had to let you go-

should not ever let you go, oh whoa oh;

2009-02-08T10:22:00.000-08:00

I wish I could cry more easily.

my Helena, if only I could write a song that good about you.

came a time, when every starfall brought you to tears again;

whatstheworstyoutakefromeveryheartyoubreak-

2009-02-06T07:46:00.001-08:00

I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed

Oh, but there's been change alright. Plenty of it.

2009-02-02T05:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I chortle to myself and wonder, "Why do we even bother to throw in a mix of happiness and melancholiness into our lives?" It would really save us so much trouble if we chose either of the two. Being happy all the time turns you into a 'kai xing guo', literal translation from chinese to english: a 'happy fruit'. You smile and beam all the time, are bubbly and cheerful (well at least most happy fruits are), and even if you're not, you don't let anything get you down, always looking at the cup as half full, looking for the silver lining within the cloud, and always looking on the bright side of life (doo dut, doo dut doo dut doo dut). People want to be around you because of your megawatt smile and infectious cheeriness, and because you always manage to turn a bad situation around and find a positive side to it, hence they come seeking your opinion and advice.

Life on the flipside isn't necessarily all that bad, either. You're melancholic, and people learn to deal with it. You're there to ground other people, to remind them that things may not as ideal or as great as they think they are, since many tend to be blinded by temporary satisfaction or euphoria such that they do not consider the future repercussions of whatever it is that is bringing them joy, or whether this thing affects others negatively. You brood silently during outings (if you even turn up at all, since most aren't even mandatory) and yet manage to entertain with your constant infusing of dark humour, dry wit and sarcasm to counter the sickeningly-sweet positiveness that radiates from the happy fruits. People constantly ask after you and whether you're okay, and this inevitably leads to conversations unless of course you're not in the mood for talking.

Being a mix of one and the other, however, just leads to a never-ending eternal turmoil within you that leaves you feeling confused and out of place. You're feeling melancholic, then you arrive at an outing and in the presence of all the chatting, jokes and laughter, your bubbliness surfaces and you join in the fun, cutting loose and throwing caution and decorum to the winds. You have a rolling good time with the rest of them and are the life of the party. Even if you slip back into melancholiness if something happens, your friends give you a hearty slap on the back as well as a good trouncing for dampening the spirits, and in the face of this good-natured ribbing you perk up again.

You're feeling cheerful and bubbly, fielding a million conversations online and spamming :D :) XD emoticons in every one of them. A good book or a document is currently occupying your time, or perhaps your favourite video game. Then you are presented with a gentle reminder that your life isn't all it's cracked up to be, and you begin falling deep into the gaping, abyssal maw of melancholiness and you just wonder over and over again to yourself, 'Why is my life so f***ed up?' You put everything off and put 9 Crimes on repeat, turning up the volume so you can perfectly hear the rhythm of your heart beating in time to the haunting vocals of Damien Rice.

You say to yourself, 'Nah it's not that extreme as he describes, Nigel the ever-exaggerator.' Whatever the degree, I'm pretty certain this mix is found in all of us. The scales may be tipped in favour of either trait, or perfectly balanced, I don't care. So why do we do it? We do it because to follow either 24/7 leads to a gigantic bundle of unrealistic expectations, untrue assumptions, jumped-to conclusions and false opinions of you, from others. And we'd much rather put ourselves through a churning tornado of crap than to have to deal with that.

I guess one good way of coping is letting yourself get as deep as you like into the quicksand whenever you step on a trap that springs it. This trap may be something you purposely step into, you masochist you, or one that you fall into accidentally because someone speaks out of turn or presents something to you that just turns your heart into the core of an unstable nuclear reactor. When you feel that you're just about as deep as you can get, remind yourself of the good things (if any) that are coming ahead, and about the bright side (if any) of the quicksand (hey, it rejuvenates the skin!) and you'll be sucked out of it faster than you can say 'emo'.

We hold dear, and keep secret to ourselves, those things that matter the most to us. That's why we disguise pledges and sweetness with generic phrases, words, symbols; anything that lets those that we want to know, know that we have them in mind and they bring joy to our lives. A simple 'Hooray.' or perhaps a smiley (: is equivalent to a knowing wink, directed at whom it may concern. We are no longer students, no longer teenagers. We no longer have youthful innocence or unkept secrets.

We are young adults, and the next chapter of our lives is just beginning.

We force ourselves to be cruel, to free ourselves from caring.

2009-01-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

I borrowed a book today which addresses the main character as 'you', although her name is actually Sue. The freaky thing was that the start of the book takes the form of an email, which is addressed to a guy working in a programming company, who is named Nigel. And the email started off with 'Yes, we know who you are. You are Nigel, ...'. Although it continued with ', a software programmer working at...' it was pretty freaky and surreal and i began to wonder if the book had magic powers that could cause its content to morph based on the person reading it. That was the clincher that told me I've been reading too much fantasy (:

Speaking of which, Kino is having one of its awesome periodic sales in this CNY period so members have 20% off. So I bought His Dark Materials and the Inkheart trilogy today :D Books are ftw. Extremely good things to take your mind off stuff. stuff hahah yeah like it could possibly be any more obvious.

Damn, what am I doing. Mel says I need to stop over-thinking everything (even though she over-thinks too much as well :D). I think Mel is a very wise girl.

2009-01-27T06:16:00.000-08:00

Is it fate that throws us together, into this strangled tryst that we call life? Thus confining the explanations for every occurrence in our lives to mere chance and fortune? Or is there somebody, up there,who sets up meetings and events and the like, such that our lives are more bountifully blessed and that we may live them for the better?

Perhaps, as everyone likes to say, we hold the key to our own lives, and no one other than ourselves has the right and the might to affect its bearing.

Me? I believe in a mixture of them all. Scientific evidence supports the arguments for some, but how do you use science, to explain chance? Logic, reasoning, science - they provide a firm foundation for my feet to stand on, but often clash with gut feeling, instinct, and purely human emotion. You may liken it to the Earth Deity's staff hooking on to one of my feet, while Cupid with his tiny wings beating furiously is doing his best to lift me off the ground and into the clouds where the Cotton Candy Castle exists. Then again, the earth deity's not a very good representation of science, is he now. Hm sorry getting lost in my own thoughts.

People preach about the virtues of patience, but shake their heads in disagreement when one over-displays ... doggedness? stubborness? determination? A true heart? Whatever you may call it, they all require a great amount of patience.

Patience, to be The Man Who Can't Be Moved. Nice song, that.

And if you love the girl man, light up a torch
Blaze a trail, to her front porch.

Kiss her 'til your lips are scorched,
'til the rain comes down on you.

2009-01-21T12:27:00.001-08:00

I should know better by now.

Still can't yet, though.

Damn, I suck.

2009-01-20T17:06:00.001-08:00

Welcome to Nigelville, population: 1.
'Foamin' since April 2008!'

2009-01-20T00:26:00.001-08:00

and you, don't ask the time of day

2009-01-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

everything that could have been

but not in mine

2009-01-16T05:42:00.000-08:00

Changeling is an AWESOME show. Seriously everyone HAS to watch it! It's not only a gripping film that fulfills the purpose of a movie to entertain, it's also extremely emotional and thought-provoking, especially towards men who have ever been guilty of doing wrong to women in some way. As well as toward society's general prejudice towards men that still has remnants lingering on even today. Can't really say anything because there'll be horrible spoilers, but most of the actors delivered stalwart performances because they were seriously able to show raw, naked emotion when called for, even the many young actors (who will probably get spotted and put in other nais roles), and additionally, the film makes being a lawyer seem so great and so empowering, because of one scene where there was total lawyer OWNAGE. Whoops.

Okay anyway Angelina Jolie should win some award at least for the movie, and additionally she was reluctant to even do the show at first because of one scene where she has to say 'Hello, my son is missing.' and that seemed too scary for her since she cannot imagine losing her own son as well. But yeah, that's really freaking scary, especially towards the end where theres a hope and yet there's no hope and just living day by day with such a situation could seriously drive someone nuts. Which is dealt with in yet another portion of the show. But cannot say. DAMN see it's just too awesome.

2009-01-12T06:32:00.000-08:00

When the flowers gaze at you,
they’re not the only ones -

who cry, when they see you.

where no one knows my name

2009-01-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

it's like a puddle of quicksand.

on the one hand, i'm tugging at the branch my friend is reaching out for me to grasp hold of, and I can feel myself pulling and being pulled out of the mire.

on the other hand, this sinking feeling is not too bad at all. I could get lost in the sweet agony, the painful memories, the powerful emotions that are invoked within me whenever I envisage their joyful countenances. The three Cs; the countless couple cliches - staring into each other's eyes, sitting on a beach in the shallow water gazing into the sunset, the firm hold of each others' hands during a slow stroll in a park, the starry gaze of two pairs of eyes into the firework-lit sky.

The sad thing is, aforementioned powerful emotions come about only because I wish I had a genie. Random? Nahh, because only a genie could grant me my heart's desire of being that other half.

You don't know me,
You don't even care-

2009-01-05T12:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday, January 3: 4:57 am
Sunday, January 4 - 5:20 am
Monday, January 5 - 4:53 am
Tuesday, January 6 - 4:58 am

I cannot go to the ocean ;
I cannot drive the streets at night,
I cannot wake up in the morning -
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted,
and I bet you are just fine.

Did I make it -that- easy,
To walk right in and out of my life?

2009-01-04T05:51:00.001-08:00

i'm so hollow, baby

2009-01-03T22:08:00.000-08:00

All of the moments that already passed,
try to go back and make them last.
And all of the things we want each other to be,
we never will be,
and that's - life,
and that's - wonderful.

afterall;
but life is for getting through.

Even the most fleeting waltz can leave the most lasting of impressions;

2009-01-02T12:34:00.000-08:00

says:
they were holding hands

fuck.

2009-01-01T08:45:00.000-08:00

So yesterday we heralded the closure of 2008 and ushered in the new year of 2009 at nicky's house (as usual), the go-to place for all major gatherings for us of this sort. Prior to that, I had ny'se dinner with bert, liang, jev, guonian, nuts, nette, jiening and grace at suntec; the two combined together made a pretty meaningful and all-encompassing new year's eve that served to be a pretty solid commemoration of my two years in RJ: old, familiar friends and those new ones made in these short moments shared together.

And I don't even know what to say, unlike how I did in sec 4. Things were so much easier back then, with a million times less complication without having to consider any consequences of words. And I guess there's really not much point making dedications to everyone who means something to me here, 'cos if they do, they would already know it whether it's the excellent gentlemen who're always reliable like kennedy chinks harold huige yelin zhi jack ivan benny junyi junwei and the names could keep on coming, or those that have made these 2 years nothing but unforgettable like mel (and ame and zix) yihui rachel lita nicole and tiff, or classmates like pris taufiq and fungshing or those from orientation like shun, joanne and jukie.

Colour.

Each wielding pens and pencils of differing sharpness and length, they coloured my life.

2008-12-30T11:33:00.000-08:00

If you can't even rely on friends, why even consider anything further than that?

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And damn it, this feels too right, it's just like deja vu.
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
'Cause you could never know when it shows up make sure you're holding on.
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

There's gotta be somebody for me out there

2008-12-29T10:36:00.000-08:00

We will give them nothing, but take from them; everything.
-Leonidas of Sparta

I think a good way to prevent yourself from getting hurt, is to never give up or give out too much of anything, to anyone. Really, it makes perfect sense. See, in the world of stocks and shares, if you invest your life savings in a venture as risky as these things, when a crisis hits or even in the normal everyday fluctuations, it's possible for you to lose everything. Granted, the reward that you can reap if things take an upswing is enormous. But that depends heavily on the nature of the company that you've investing in isn't it? Or at times, the industry as a whole as well. External circumstances can make decisions for people, whether they want it or not.

So yepp, boys and girls, decide for yourselves how much you want to sow into these people and their lives, because once you go all the way in, it's ever so hard to pull out. Even if your stockbroker flashing gigantic red warning signs at you and telling you that you're gaining zero returns on your investments. Even if your head tells you it's the right way, your heart'll drag you in another direction. A completely different one. Man, sometimes it all seems so foolish.

Wow, I just made a startlingly accurate analysis on what life is like. Good on me.

And even though it was yesterday (still feels like 29th December though), HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA <3

2008-12-22T08:22:00.000-08:00

this is side one,
flip me over,
I know I'm not your favourite record

well, little things can get me moody too...
Thank God that anna sought me out in town to chase some of the blues away (:

no it's not the last time,
'cause I'll never say no to you.

2008-12-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

Was it you who spoke the words that; things would happen, but not to me?
All things, are gonna happen naturally.

She said it wouldn't happen, at least not during that time, but slowly and steadily whether it was realized or not, she slipped into it. Simultaneously, the one thing that I had been staking my hopes on all that time vanished as powdered glass in the wind. The struggle came, then, of having to accept that such things happen whether we want them to or not (for hadn't the very same thing happened to me?), and though a stand might have been taken against it, such barriers are inadequate in withholding the barrage that feelings create.

Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing.

Tried, a hundred, a thousand times, to count the blessings and look at the stars. Sometimes, it takes a happy turn and I can skip and I can jump, but when the solitude and silence takes hold, those memories creep back in and the scales tip in favour of the melancholic.

Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines

And though they would like to materialize as long, heartfelt wordspills of anger, love, hate, jealousy, happiness, resentment, hope, promises, and pledges, they can't, because the neck of the message in the bottle is stoppered with the cork of fear. Though some scraps of parchment filter through as the papyrus rots with time and the ink trickles down its mouth, the murkiness of the smudged ink disguises the true meaning of the words.

And the bright light turns to night

The mercurial darkness - so shiny yet so full of doom at the same time - brings a fatalistic mindset to even the best of us.

Oh, until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

But with every dusk, there's bound to be a dawn, and as the radiant beams of light emanating from the burden that Apollo's chariot carries permeate the horizon, my heart is reminded and filled with song about every precious moment that I ever had with you.

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of

It was simply amazing, all the little coincidences and unexpected similarities. Perhaps it only goes to show that opposites, and not identicals, attract. A shared, intense love of fantasy, but differing opinions as to whom the fantasy should be shared with.

And others just read of
Others only read of, of the love
Of the love that I loved

And I believe, although some might say they've never had passions of such enormity and felt on such a heightened scale before, that everyone will eventually. It's only a matter of time. It's only by my folly that I've been struck more than a few times. Truly, it was a love that I loved, and it was a love that was more like a gleaming, polished mirror with an intricately carved handle, unlike say, a coin - a coin that has two sides.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards.
More words than I had ever heard, and I feel so alive.

The thousands of words written about the single, recurring theme: wordplay and literature of the mind's eye regurgitated onto a digital stylus. The rhythm that they're poured out onto the screen keeps in time with the pulse of this still beating heart: which, frankly, surprises even it's owner as to it's longevity despite having its lifeblood wrenched away from it.

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of

And if you could see me now
Oh, you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore

In a year, we're all grown up, grown up in all our different ways.

And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

A silence settling over that seems so hard to penetrate: what once used to bloom with joy and life now confined to fair-weather linguistics and the not so importants. The moral of the story is still boy loves girl, but more significantly, boy comes out the better for it, hopefully.

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
I'm finally deedeedeedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I am free
Oh, I'm free

Am I really? Perhaps, because those shackles do grow a little lighter, but only come back to bind me in full force whenever that image comes into my mind, to picture a bliss where I am cut out, snipped away and flung into a waste bin drawn into the scrapbook of her life as perfectly detailed as that decorating the wall outside of the Art Room.

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
well, they work in both ways.

You had to go away.. I understand.
And remember this, if anything, it takes two hands to clap.

But if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

The tolling bells, they have indeed, and it's a bitter, bitter man that you see before you. One that, despite the bitterness, does not withhold his blessing, but tries unsuccessfully to fulfill himself with the happiness that he sees before him. But you've got to give him some credit for trying, trying his very best. And if you happen to see him walking away clutching his breast and screwing up his eyes as if trying to remember some distant memory, grab hold of the nearest psychic quick as you can. Because in those memories, the places and the days, hours, minutes, and seconds spent are infused with a primordial essence of happiness and perfection that transform the landscape into one as perfect as that of Old Narnia, of which perfection you'd have to read the books of C.S. Lewis to find out of course.

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of (of, of)
And others just read of
and if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of,
I'm finally deedeedeedeedeede

Well I'm almost finally, finally
Out of words

2008-12-04T03:09:00.000-08:00

well it's after prom, and i'm going off to turkey in an hour. There was going to be more nonsense to come, but all I've got to say right now is that the things you see on television shows may seem realistic but are not all that feasible in real life, because even though it might have seemed the perfect time to tell you everything, I wouldn't have wanted to ruin the night for you and hence there would have been no point.

See you guys in 10 days.

so I'm running away, I'm leaving this place

2008-12-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

so it's, what, 3.27 a.m. and i'm sitting in front of this god damned computer not knowing exactly what in the world is wrong with me. you wouldn't be surprised, sometimes, from the way that I write, that I'd be the type of guy, that horribly cliched character out of a movie, who wakes up with a start in the middle of the night after having some horrible nightmare, that my worst fears have somehow managed to come true. But no, I don't do that. I sleep like a baby. Heck, I sleep like a log. My life's perfectly fine, dandy and fine.

Then, why, oh why does it always feel like there's something missing? The feeling's so strong, it manages to confuse me most of the time. It just seems so wrong, to have felt and said all those things and to not end up, wind up with that storybook ending. Futility to the power of infinity, squared. But no, that's just crazy talk, because you know that's just the worst part of you talking, the part that you yearn to keep hidden but yearns to show itself.

Maybe it's just much stronger than usual, because you lack the only thing that can bring out the best part of you, because it's been gone for so long. I mean, there're only so many people who catch sunbeams in their hair and stars in their smile.

Gosh, I'm just rambling here.

2008-12-01T04:47:00.000-08:00

I wanna know what it’s like
On the inside of love
Standing at the gates,
I see the beauty above

I wanna know what it’s like
On the inside of love
Can’t find my way in
I try again and again

I’m on the outside of love
Always under or above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me, with a you

I wanna know what its like
On the inside of love
Of course i’ll be alright
I just had a bad night
I had a bad night

2008-11-29T05:21:00.000-08:00

try and catch a glimpse of you and you
and you and me

but you, you walk a little faster

as if romantic winds weren't keeping us in time;

2008-11-25T10:25:00.001-08:00

hello, to high, and dry

2008-11-24T04:42:00.000-08:00

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able,
to see the signs that we missed,
and try to turn the tables?

Now the story's played out like this;
Just like, a paperback novel.
Lets rewrite an ending that fits,
instead of a hollywood horror.

2008-11-23T06:58:00.000-08:00

Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I used to understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere

It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too

I know it doesn't sound too cool
But maybe I'm still in love with you

2008-11-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

[Relationships? Well, relationships are so .. fragile. It just takes one thing, one tiny little offence, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, god forbid, you better tuck and go.

Relationships don't work, the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won't they; then they finally do and then they're happy forever: give me a break. 9 out of 10 of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with and heck, the one's who get married get divorced anyway and I'm telling you, right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker I don't care, 'cos I do believe in it. Bottom line - couples that are truly right for each wade through the same crap as everybody else but the difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right, and they're real lucky.

One of them will say something.]

Scrubs is amazing.

2008-11-20T06:09:00.000-08:00

That's it. The A levels are officially over for everyone that doesn't take H3, and it's certainly been quite a ride for all of us. It's been these few months, where you could see worry lining the faces of most of your friends, even those that have always performed well. Because it's this defining moment where we prove our mettle and show that we have what it takes, and if we fall short of it, we know that according to the ststus quo, our future prospects take a nosedive in terms of prosperity, while this may not necessarily be true. This feeling is especially heightened for most of us RI/RGS kids, having never taken a major exam since the PSLE was over and eon with 6 years ago.

The phrase on the mouths of most people right now is this, that our lives seem to be aimless; purposeless, and we're bored without having the intellectual distraction to occupy our minds. Definitely, it's not this way for some people, but we have gotten used to the studying even though it started to get dry towards the end. But indeed, I realize that no longer will we be heading back to school nearly every day to study. We're not going to be occupying the top floor of the library with our rowdiness (at times), not going to be going down for lunch during the 11.30 am to 1 pm window, we're not going to be coming back during weekends and taking orders for each other for lunch. We're not going to be packing up our stuff and leaving for dinner anymore. I'm not going to be walking that concrete path from S11 to J8 alone, with so many thoughts weighing on my mind. Certainly, we will go back to school for a variety of reasons, but no longer as often as we have, the way such that it had become routine.

We're not going to see each other as often as we used to. Even saying hi to each other along the corridors, while studying, while having lunch in the canteen, that used to be commonplace with the people that we didn't study with usually. But now with the end of the A levels, it's all going to fade away. I guess that's the problem with relationships outside of those that you normally hang out with. Out of sight, out of mind - an adage that rings painfully true in this case. We tend to forget those that we do not see frequently, because we're caught up in our own lives and in the moment. We may even take those people that we see so often for granted.

Granted, it's hard to keep everyone together. I'm pretty sure that the people in our class who want to get gatherings up and running feel pretty exasperated most of the time. It's not exactly very heartwarming to see people leaving a mass convo on MSN almost immediately after it's started, or to see unwilling responses to an enthusiastic idea. With all the different elements in our class, it's not unnatural that's it's hard for everyone to get along. That's why those with tightly bonded classes in RJ should count themselves lucky for being an anomaly, because even in such classes, not everyone is bonded together with the rest. And this is inevitable. Because no matter how much we try to emulate one another or fit in, humans like us are all different; even twins.

I guess the main thing that's going to be hard to deal with is having to adapt to the great deal of change that we have to face. Especially for me. Even now, I'm having problems coping with the mountains of change that have sprung up in my life over the past two years. Sure, there were some consistencies. All the heartbroken idiots constantly say that life before RJ was much less complicated without the presence of girls. Of course, being in a co-ed school makes everyone exposed to the opposite sex, even the most quiet and reserved ones. But it's not like we didn't meet them before we entered jc. Most of us met girls, whether it was through random outings, church, primary school friends, whatever. It's not like listening to melancholic songs and feeling confused and worked up over someone, with them being the only thought occupying our minds is that much of a new experience, something totally foreign and unimaginable before jc.

But in jc most people begin thinking about the more serious aspects of a relationship, and of life. Even if there's no romance involved in it, we know that the protective umbrella of going into an environment that's nearly the same the next year with all the familiar faces beaming at us has been taken away with the end of j2. That's why we look for the friends that we hope will last us a lifetime. It doesn't matter even if we make new friends in NS or while working in a part-time job or in university. Yeah, we definitely will. But to realize that all the friendships you made in your last 6 years actually weren't that solid afterall, or to know that you will never have a reason to see their faces again, is one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially so if there is romance involved. How many of the couples today have not wondered what married life would be like with their partner? Unless you're a player who's just interested in having someone latched onto your arm for the short term, it's a fact that you'll look at the relationship and wonder if you can see it through. Even if you get your heart broken, the fact that the pain is so real and that you don't just shrug it off in a few months - the fact that you'll never stop caring, never really stop loving the person that you once loved - shows that there was always a possibility, that there was something real there, whether tangible or not.

We are selfish people, at the end of the day. We care for our interests firsthand - then for those that we love. It's forgivable that we care for those in our immediate present more than those that we don't really get in contact with. But at the back of our minds, they're still always there. That's why it's understandable to be so caught up in oneself and another that there's no time, no opportunity, for others to be let in. I'm guilty of feeling resent at others constantly wanting to tag along when maybe sometimes all they needed was a little acceptance and affirmation for themselves. But at the same time, it also means that no matter the outcome, there's always going to be that one person who struggles to find the strength to keep going. While the outside world churns and burns in a fuelled rage, there's always that one person who feels the heat in a more intense manner than others. You've just - you've just got to deal, you know, with the thought that it's not going to be you doing this. You're not going to be included in this plan. You see these scenes in movies where they take photos together in a booth and laugh as they are developed, and you smile, thinking: 'What if?' But then you laugh again, a hardened edge twisting the laughter, because you know it's not going to be you.

And that's why it's going to be hard to leave RJ and everything behind. Because if you've had experiences and moments that you treasure, that have made you feel that there, right there's the reason why life's worth living - if you've held on to something so hard that your fingers bled as they fought to grasp hold while you were pulled away, you'll know that while momentary distractions serve their purpose well, time doesn't always heal all wounds. You'll never again look at some things in the same light. You'll always compare what you might have in the now and in the future, to what you had in the past. And you'll never really be able to let go.

Hey, i'm just a boy trying to get by. And if every night while I lie in my bed, those thoughts always return to that same thing, so be it.

Yeahhhh, more such nonsense to come when prom's over.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so.
Seems like it's been forever -
That you've been gone.

2008-11-15T10:44:00.000-08:00

it's inevitable; someone has to get hurt.
that's the one thing I've come to realize from all the thinking.
and these thoughts, they're never ending...

2008-11-10T02:54:00.001-08:00

2008-11-03T04:06:00.000-08:00

Highlights of the 2008 General Certificate of Examinations Advanced Levels so far:

1) History 02: The Asian Financial Crisis
2) General Paper 01: WAH LAO EHS NO GLOBALISATION/ENVIRONMENT/SPORTS
3) General Paper 02: Paradoxically, this is a paradox. Rachel: OMG I FELT LIKE THROWING A BITCH FIT AND SAYING DUH ITS A PARADOX DUHHHH.
4) Physics 03: Nicky: It's damn elementary lah pls
5) Mathematics 01: 10 mark question: FUN! Cosine rule. Complex roots. and they just had to spread the US financial crisis to us through that compound interest question. ):
6) Mathematics 02: Hell yes they tested a loci question. I didn't waste my 9 buck compass
7) Physics 02: 5 Graphs. Hey, didn't we have to draw 4 graphs in Math already? CAMBRIDGE IS IDIOTIC
8) Economics 02: Immobility of factors of production: CRAP DIE!!!

2008-10-30T04:46:00.001-07:00

This is it. It starts now.

Make or break.

2008-10-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I miss you.

2008-10-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

1. The last person to tag you was...?
Ho Xing Xian Melissa 08S05A (4) <-- I think

2. Your relationship with him/her...?
Classmates
Her Bitch
Outcasts (me not really)
Suaner/Suanee
In-laws when I marry her cousin

3. Your 5 impression towards him/her?
Smart
Friendly
Capable
LONER
Chio (Must be the cross-family good genes)

4. The most memorable thing that he/she has ever done for you ?
ehh alot. let's just say if RJ undergoes simple harmonic motion, it would undergo heavy damping if melho went to hwachong or something. HAHAH I am intellectual yes.

5. The most memorable words that he/she has say to you ?
BITCH!!!!!

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will...
pinch myself so I will stop having nightmares

7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will...
becomes? You mean became? HAHAH

8. If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to
pinch herself so she will stop having nightmares

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is...
she got 5As and a H3 Distinction for A levels and lamented to me about 'being so dumb that she couldnt take 2 H3s'

10. The most desirable things to do for him/her is...
bring her to Washington B.C. Or bring it to her. HAHAH

11. Overall impression towards him/her is..
(Y)

bold statements that are true, italicize those you wished were true, ignore the other shiz.
I miss somebody right now.
I don’t watch TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I’ve tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I’m totally smart.
I’ve broken someone’s bones.
I’m paranoid.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, F.O.C and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really really fast.
I have long hair. .
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I’m always hyper.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I love to shop.
I would rather shop than eat.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I’m a pretty good dancer.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I have rejected someone before.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
I’m not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn. (in a week's time)
I’ve been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past.
I own the “South Park” movie.
I would die for my best friends. not only my best friends
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is fun because you get candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I am happy at this moment.
I’m obsessed with guys.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I’m proficient in a musical instrument. Yes, my voice
I’ve worked at McDonald’s restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people. the best people, but the worst for me
I adore bright colours.
I can’t live without black eyeliner.
I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can’t whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
I can’t stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them with distractions. Thank God for the A levels.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay/know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I’m an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.

2008-10-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

the moral of the story is: boy loves girl

2008-10-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

living out Harry Potter;

just that this time Harry got Hermione instead.

2008-10-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

andeventillnowthere'sstillthatonethingicantget,
cannevergetoffmymindanditskillingmebutitwontstop
andidontknowwhattodosoidontdoanything
butlookatthatgapingholethatcannotbefilled

2008-10-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

And I guess I'll keep on dreaming
Maybe one day in a strange twist in how the mind works
I'll have that dream again

"I dreamt our hands clasped."

Sunday, 15th June, 2008

2008-10-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning and I wonder:
Why everything's the same as it was.
I can't understand, no, I can't understand;
How life goes on, the way it does.

Why, do the birds go on singing?
Why, do the stars glow above?
Don't they know?
it's the end of the world.

2008-10-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Coz I got time while she got freedom
Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop me bleeding
Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it dont break even, even, no

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains
Coz you left with no love, with no love to my name

What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say, when I'm all choked up and you're OK?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's
Sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall
Like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea

Does this deafening silence, mean nothing, to no one but me?

2008-10-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

Is this real?
Is this good?
Does it warm the inside, just like it should?

and most of all, most of all,

is it built to last?

2008-10-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

I try, to be strong for her
Try not, to be wrong for her.

and my worst pains, are words I cannot say;
still I will always, fight on for you.

what if I fall?
Then where would I go, would she know?

She is the one, all that I wanted
She is the one, and I will be haunted
She is the one, this gift is my curse, for now.

I see your face, with every punch I take;
and every bone I break - it's all for you.

2008-10-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

I used to think my happiness sprung from yours

Now I realize I was only happy when I was around you

2008-10-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

I, I don't know why I miss you so much
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch
You, you left me feeling high and dry
With nothing, nothing but the queston why

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection

If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie.
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless

You, you knew what you were doing to me
And I, I guess I was too blind to see
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had
(Damn that's sad)

There are many things left to remind me
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me

lyrics can't really get any more perfect than this.

2008-10-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

shot me down, as i flew by
crash and burn: I think sometimes,

you forget, where the heart is.

Answer NO, to these questions,
let her go, learn a lesson.
it's not me, you're not listening
Now can't you see,
something's missing.

you forget, where the heart is.

waking up, from this nightmare
how's your life?
what's it like there?
is it all, what you want it to be?
does it hurt,
when you think about me? (vice versa: true.)
and how broken, my heart is?

it's okay to be angry and never let go
it only gets harder, the more that you know
when you get lonely, if no one's around,
you know, that I'll catch you when you're falling down.
We came together, but you left alone;
and I know how it feels to walk out on your own.
Maybe someday, I will see you again.

And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.

2008-10-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's better to be loved than to love.

If you're loved, you can always grow to love that person.

If you love, it's not a given that the person may love you back.

But we love anyway.

2008-10-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's perfectly natural; after all, it is seemingly a relationship that's right out of those books we used to love as children. Who in their right minds, would want to disrupt such an ending? It is only fitting, then. Even if sheer perseverance counts as a factor, you still find yourself beaten. Indeed, you come up short.

They go back further than you would ever dream, sharing a history and even a present that you could only envision. If you encroached on that territory, you'd find a great many disapproving glares and remarks from their faithful butlers and matrons. Never has it been that the page courted the princess, instead of the knight.

While variables dotted the ever-changing landscape that painted the princess, at the same time there remained one constant. Count yourself lucky to have been a variable, albeit one easily displaced.

I need you, I need you, I need you;
you're all I'm living for.

Spare me but a second, then - to let me feel the warmth that I once felt.

2008-10-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Life is cruel, and full of unhappy coincidences.

I'm raining on your parade aren't I.

2008-10-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

I sat there in the gray hunched and alone with my heart bleeding, trying to stop missing you.

2008-09-30T05:37:00.000-07:00

IF ALL, EVERYTHING, ANYTHING, FAILS.

A subdued silence undisturbed by the sound of her breath.
So carefully, brush her hair back from her eyes
In steady sequence, one by one.
She slips away.

And if all else fails you can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can close your eyes
And ...
...

So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
...
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
No matter how much this hurts
I wanted you to know,
My heart remains with you.

2008-09-30T05:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be a bird? Definitely, a bird is blessed with the ability to fly. To soar through the sky, feeling the air flowing beneath its wings, lifting it up into euphoria and sheer bliss. But it comes with a price, this amazing feeling. Normal birds aren't smart creatures. They don't know how to adapt, or to hide, or to protect themselves. All they want to do is to keep feeling that ecstatic feeling of flight. Of elation. But at any given moment, all it takes is a well-aimed shot to the breast of the bird to still its once-beating heart. Then you'll find, everything comes crashing down in an instant, with no pity, no consideration whatsoever.

As my world came crashing down in a symphony of jagged edges and smothered screams, I realized what fragile things we are. Fragile, yet cruel things. And it's all because we are capable of choice.

Choice.

What a word.

The hand of my clock strikes two,
in times when I got the best of you -
I made promises I couldn't keep
And every night I couldn't sleep.
I didn't know why, but didn't ask questions
because it was the first time in my life, yeah the first time in my life
Where I, did something right. (?)

I set myself up, for the greatest fall of all time.

I'm trying to get this right
Yeah, cause I'm ridiculous like that.

I'll keep this as a constant reminder; of the nights I spend holding on, to her.

2008-09-29T06:58:00.001-07:00

where does this leave me?

WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE ME?

2008-09-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

Isn't it messed up, how I'm just - dying to be him?
I'm just a notch in your bedpost and you're just a line in a song
Drop a heart - break a name
I'm always keeping it, keeping hold of the wrong dream.

And what's the worst, you take,
from every heart, you break?

What's the worst thing I could say?
Things aren't better, if I stay.

Well I've been holding on, tonight

2008-09-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

there's no need to ask if I'm okay because the answer's always going to be no

2008-09-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Do I want, shelter from the rain?

Or the rain to wash me away?

I need the strength to carry on, no matter how hard it may be. I've got a clearer picture of things now, and there's no other person I can possibly blame for being silly myself. Sometimes, even if we realize what's going on, it's just so very hard to unclench our fingers and let go. Not in the physical sense of course. But no matter how strong a person is, these fingers will forever be easier to pry off as compared to the latches of the heart and mind.

The way we function is inexplicable; we plunge headfirst into things knowing that we will emerge the worse for wear. The human mind works based on rationality but this can be ignored at any moment, because nothing seems more rational to us than being with the object of our affection. Indeed, nothing makes better sense; perfect sense, even.

It only makes sense to us, though. And that's not the way the world works; rather, the world could care less about what makes sense to us as long as it gets its way. But we are conditioned for this, and we learn to deal, we learn to adapt. It is one of the survival skills that we are equipped with, to ensure that we do not die out. But the pace at which we do so is certainly not homogeneous, and sometimes it takes alot more time than others.

Even when there's 10 seconds left in a basketball game and the score is 98-110, it is not uncommon for the losing team to give it their all, to not stop for anything; because they feel so strongly for what they are fighting for that they know any price or any amount of effort is worth putting in so that they might turn their dreams into reality. But they eventually have to let it go.

It's really, really hard.

Do I want, shelter from the rain?

Or the rain to wash me away?

2008-09-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

what i've been looking for

2008-09-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

Because if one day you wake up, and find that you're missing m;e
and your heart starts to wonder: Where on this earth I could be,
thinking maybe you'd come back here, to the place that we'd meet
and you'd see me, waiting for you, on the corner of the street.
so I'm not moving,

I'm not moving.

2008-09-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

I've seen too much to be considered naive, I guess. It's not easy to pull the wool over my eyes, unless I'm doing it myself. But every now and then I try to phase into another world, a world of make-believe where it is sunny all of the time and the only clouds in the sky are white puffy ones. 'Building sandcastles in the air', my mother'd call it, and so I heed her wise advice and pull my head out of the clouds, grounding myself in reality.

I glean a brief respite as I plunge into the blue, and let the current take control, letting myself go into as the adrenalin and water rushes. For only a moment, the brain releases endorphins rather than loose, fragmented thoughts, and serves as a fitting distraction.

So turn, up the corners of your lips (:

Part them, and feel my fingertips

Trace the moment; fall forever.

Defense is paper-thin, just

One touch and I'll be in too,

deep now, to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away, so let me slip away, so let me slip: against the current

hope, dangles on a string - like slow spinning redemption.

imyedtynh

2008-09-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

how will we know, if we just don't try?

let me light up the sky, light it up for you

2008-09-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

这世界不理我的时候,你不可以不理我喔.

加油.

2008-09-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

12/09/08

7.03 am - stepped onto a wet spot on tiled slope outside bishan clinic while walking towards traffic light. had a nice little fall, tearing a hole in the knee of my pants, scraping my knee till the blood flowed and twisting my ankle severely.

8.00 am - started studying for international history prelim paper

10.00 am - realized that ez-link no longer works at library gates even though it worked perfectly fine in the morning

12.00 pm - started panicking a little

12.50 pm - studied UN case studies in detail but read through Bosnia sparingly and did not internalize it

2.30 pm - opened international history prelim paper to see source-based question on Bosnia

2.34 pm - the smoking begins

5.30 pm - the smoking ends

5.45 pm - the hundred million little 'whys' emerge

6.00 pm - walked into the library and sat down next to jacky for 10 mins, then walked back out

6.10 pm - Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams: I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known (not really, I didn't use to know it)

Conclusion: need to buy a Loser stamp from the "City Stamp Maker" shop where my tuition is

2008-09-12T04:49:00.000-07:00

no matter how hard it gets, this love will have no regrets.

2008-09-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

studying is saturation that separates the silent brain from sneaking in sudden slips of secretly sighing at the sparseness of the surroundings;

sparseness so shockingly similar to a sublevel sepulchre that I must steal a surreptitious glance or maybe a second one;

synonymously, i summarize with a simple statement, or maybe a simple song;

where are you? and i'm so sorry, I cannot sleep; I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always, this sick strange darkness, comes creeping on so haunting everytime;

and as I stared I counted, webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides,

like indecision to call you, and hear your voice of treason, will you come home, and stop this pain tonight?

stop this pain tonight.

2008-09-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

I've always loved reading Archie comics.

Archie's the typical teenager, rather good-looking: red-headed, tall, acceptable physique, with freckles that endear him even more to readers. He's an all-rounder, but a jack of all trades and a master of none: he's in many sports teams but does not captain any; his grades fluctuate up and down and he often has to cram for a test till late at night but still manages to do well for it; and a major characteristic of him is his clumsiness - exploding lab experiments, crashing into people in the hallway, falling off stepladders.

Jughead's the best friend and the eternal loafer, with a bottomless stomach to boot. He'll eat anything, from normal foods like pizzas, burgers, fried chicken, to foods that would put off even those with a totally non-selective palate - such as footlong subs that include anchovies, salami, peanut butter, and tuna. He's a happy-go-lucky type of person, and isn't really bothered by what people say about him or the fact that he doesn't excel in sports. Always there to provide a smattering of dry wit but also always there whenever his friends need him, Jug's just about the truest friend of the group.

Betty and Veronica - seemingly polar opposites of each other: even their hair colours' the stereotypical opposites, blonde versus brunette. One's rich, spoilt, pampered, but not without her good points. The other's sporty, outgoing, cheery, helpful, tomboyish at times, but an extremely wholesome person in general. Both have the same tastes in clothes and in boys (or rather, boy) as well, although Veronica doesn't keep her options limited to just Archie, like any self-respecting heiress to the Lodge family fortune would.

The list goes on, from Reggie to Midge to Moose to Dilton to Chuck to Nancy and the rest of the 'gang' as the characters often refer to their friends as, all too similar to the respective cliques that we have in school, and there are even the occasional characters such as Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Cheryl Blossom, and everyone else.

I guess why I like to read them so much is because it's not hard to understand some of the issues they point out and at the same time, laugh at the various gags and jokes that they offer (afterall, it is a magazine read for leisure). Although it gets a little exaggerated and even futuristic at times (Archie 3000!), the comics are more or less tailored to teens and it's so easy to relate to them.

Stories being stories however, they all end in happy endings. It's only in a fantasy world where one guy could constantly be the center of attention of two girls and be able to hang out with both of them simultaneously, where the two girls are the best of friends themselves. Anyone with a working brain and being grounded in reality would know that this is impossible, but go figure.

The most obvious central theme in the comiics would be romance, but more important than that, friendship. The most recent issue I read had a story where Jug broke Arch's camera lens by accident, resulting in a souring of their friendship mainly because of Archie's displeasure. But Betty soon gave him a good talking-to, reminding him of the times where Jughead took over his paper route when he got sick and asked for nothing in return; when he helped him with his odd jobs when he was swamped with work, when he took the rap and served detention for Archie so he could play in the big baseball game, and eventually the story ended in Jughead not having the time to make up with Archie because he had been busy working odd jobs everyday to buy a new lens for Archie.

These are the lengths that friends can go to, and would go to, for those that they love. Actions speak louder than words of course, as Jughead demonstrated, but sometimes mere words are enough to be the affirmation to keep each other in place throughout these trying times. Else we're left with naught but ourselves and our thoughts to occupy us. And when we've all gone, over the hills and far away to the UK, US, and wherever may take our fancy, the distance will be more than enough to kill us. Not murder us and take our lives, but to kill the people that we once were to each other.

And to phrase a quote from Betty differently, all I want is to look up the word 'friends' in the dictionary and see a photograph of us together there.

My mom always said, that nothing would break me, or lead me astray
who would've guessed, I'd let my mind drift, so far away

You always said, I was a dreamer, now instead;
I'm dreaming of things - that's makin' my mind go crazy

When I lie, in my bed, with the thoughts in my head,
When we danced, and we sang, and we laughed all night

Nobody said, this stop that I've taken, was a stop too late.
Now I'm alone, I'm thinkin' of stupid, hurtful, small things like -

When I lie, in my bed, with the thoughts in my head,
When we danced, and we sang, and we laughed all night

Maybe it's time to say goodbye, maybe it's time to let this lie -
This is when we must set things right.

Now that we've gone our separate ways, I just can't live these desperate days,
This is what I've been trying to say...

Don't let me go, can't live my life this way
Just let me know, and put my mind at ease for sure

2008-09-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

and all of the love we threw away
and all of the hopes we've cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

and falling away,
falling away ...
with you ...

2008-09-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

barely even friends, then - somebody bends; unexpectedly

just a little chance, small to say the least,

both a little scared, neither one prepared

beauty and the beast

2008-08-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

I can sing a rainbow...
Sing a rainbow...
Sing a rainbow too.

2008-08-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

and I know I'll be okay, though my skies are turning gray

I'll stand up with you forever

2008-08-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

We had a million questions,
all about our lives;
and when we got to New York
everything felt right...

I wish you were here with me,
tonight.

2008-08-22T07:25:00.001-07:00

I'll keep this as,

a constant reminder;

of the nights I spent, holding on to her.

2008-08-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry, i'm really so very sorry that I'm this way. I never meant anything, I never meant to feel this way, I never meant to be this way, I never meant to be so weak and so stupid and so naive and such a wrecked specimen of a human. If I could take this beating pulse and turn it to stony granite to get rid of all the hurt and the swirling tempest of everything, I would; I really would. But maybe once again I'm too weak to do so, and so I just end up hurting more than myself.

Sometimes I wish I'd just be able to get a clear look, and not have to keep guessing and thinking and considering and pondering and wondering, then maybe I'd not feel dizzy and conflicted all the time, like a pandora's box has opened up inside of me and I can't get everything back in place where they belong. I'd want to be honest, I'd want everyone else to be honest, but sometimes we don't think or we don't know or we just don't care.

And I guess maybe the best thing for me to do is make myself scarce so I don't interrupt the beautiful flow as it is now. Take away the anomaly, take away the outlier, take away the limiting reactant, take away the deformity, and life can be wonderful. Take me away from all this.

I'm so sorry that I can't raise my head to face the storm. I'm so sorry for stumbling through everything and maybe in the process of alleviating the pain, I elevated yours. We belong where we are happy. You belong where you are happy. I belong where I am happy. I will try to be happy because I know that you're happy.

Nothing else matters.

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
Too late, I'm sure, and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
I can't forget you

2008-08-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

All of the things that I want to say, just aren't coming out right.
I'm tripping on words; you've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here.

Cause it's you and me, and all other people, with nothing to do;
Nothing to lose.
And it's you and me, and all other people;
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you.

2008-08-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

it could be just me, but it seems like this is a turning point in our lives as junior college students. with the girls putting their dossiers in order to prepare themselves for the submitting of overseas university applications immediately after the preliminary examinations, and everyone else doing the same thing as they wrest for a chance to obtain the college awards, it's a feast for the eyes if one were to be interested in this sort of thing, as you can see the emergence of sides of people that you never knew existed, that they actually think in such a way or are actually a certain type of person.

without a doubt, this period signifies a metamorphosis for many people. Being the last stretch, many have no qualms shedding their chrysalis to emerge as something that could perhaps be considered entirely different from how others have known them. And if they consider these two years and the people they have met to be merely grains of sand on the vast shore that is life, they'd certainly not give a hoot about how they are seen. Maybe it's also this period that everything is tested. Apart from our knowledge and intellect, a collection of other things are tested as well: how strong our connections are. how influential we can be. how consequential our actions are. how strong our relationships are.

Allow my mind to wander momentarily. The interesting thing about a blog is that even though its content is open for all to see, that's what limits the writer: do you want everyone to know what you are truly thinking? Or do you want to talk about it, but are afraid to disrupt the status quo and be barraged by a multitude of questions after a single unconventional entry, by your readers who also happen to be your friends, who never knew how you really felt. Remember what I said about how different sides of a person show up?

How hard is it to maintain relationships? Relationships in Raffles Junior College are really very situational. The relationship between two people can become steeled just so they happened to be together at a certain event, for example an acquaintance of yours is studying with you just as you receive a message that a relative of yours is gravely ill, and the mounting pressure of the sudden flux of emotions within you makes you pour out all the insecurities and doubts you have been having to this acquaintance in the span of half an hour. After that half hour, it is not unreasonable for both parties to consider themselves very close friends.

But what if they really don't have all that much in common? What if neither makes the effort to upkeep the relationship after this trying period of time? Heck, it doesn't even need the two of them to be nonchalant: any one person can seal the deal. I've no idea whether I've said this before, but when we are in our individual comfort zones, we don't see the need to reach out and find other zones. When we are not alone, we are mutually exclusive, to use a bad Mathematics pun. We don't need others to 'happen' in order for us to 'happen', we are already absorbed in our own Venn diagrams.

The President's Scholars up on the podium today delivered a run-of-the-mill, standard speech to the school populace. What they said at the end, that grades don't really matter (which happens to be complete bullshit, of course) but rather it is the people standing around us that matter. Obviously, 'standing around us' was a figure of speech, they did not mean the people literally in our immediate space, but rather the entire congregation of people that we have each come to know over our years here. But some relationships matter more to each person than others. No one wants to admit it, but everyone knows it. Since everyone is so clear of this fact, it seems redundant to acknowledge it, and we assume the facade that we just love everyone!!!

I'm not really sure how many relationships that I have would not crumble, if strain were to be placed on them. Without each other present, there may seem to be an icy block wedged between two people. But perhaps when together in the big group where we all belong, all the ice is melted and everyone gets along so well. Maybe to different people, maintaining relationships means different things. Maybe that viscous, vile concoction of noxious feelings that threaten to spill over within me so often is merely a product of different standards, different expectations. But in a life where the supposed only certainty is change, there are little things here and there that display the mark of what true friends are supposed to be like.

It is our human nature, sadly, that we have no trouble making use of one another callously. Not regarding how the other party feels is hence an action that really could crush others. People who we 'dont' really like to hang out with' normally suddenly become our best friend when we need them for something. The way we act changes. The way we speak to them changes. Specifically, it is the way we ask for something. And all this, based on a foundational friendship that exists, but does not really exist. Paradoxical? Certainly not. Ever heard the phrase "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family"? This is something similar then, because you can't help it if your friends can't help you with something, hence you ask a 'friend' for help. But given the choice, this 'friend' is not someone you would invite to chill out or attend a function together or anything belonging to any of the various categories of things that we as teenagers do. But hey! It certainly seemed that you were buddies, from the way you talked in that conversation where help was requested. Strange, isn't it?

Why do we act the way we do? What are our actions determined by? The answer to this for each individual varies so greatly, it outnumbers the drops of water in the ocean. After an hour long talk with justin today about the students' council, I realized the extent to which relationships can be poisoned based on preconceived opinions or just simple dislikes. I of course am guilty of a substantial amount of such ungrounded opinions as well. Although we may consider ourselves good judges of character, it is not a miracle to find ourselves wrong.

Maybe a little self-examination is in order for all of us. Me? Well, there's a tough one. Why do I act the way I do? What are my actions determined by?

"It's hard to say exactly. I guess it's like a trapdoor has opened up under your feet and you're falling. And at the same time there's this enormous feeling in your heart, like there's a weight on it, pressing it down."

I act the way I do because I've fallen one too many times and I'd like to stop falling.

And really, the sky's lost it's colour for me.

2008-08-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

彷彿我的天空失去了顏色.
從那一天起,

我忘記了呼吸.