It's stupefying how fast a week can fly by, and in the space of that week, what a great chunk of developments and thoughts have presented themselves; with a good mix of ups and downs in the fray to allow for a catastrophic tempest to stir itself into existence.

Obviously everyone received their results on friday. The day itself was rather special, seeing most people coming back looking at least a little different, as well as the majority of the boys having shaved heads. The announcement of the unprecedented performance by the cohort did nothing to alleviate the worries of those unconfident about their results, and the excitement and tension in the air was pretty palpable throughout and even after the principal of RI's speech. What came afterwards was a sizeable duration of nail-biting anxiety, being blessed with a form teacher that stuck to the rules and handed out the results according to index number is nothing good for a surname beginning with Y.

What followed was just an indescribable mix of emotions and reactions that seemed rather understandable at that point, but I now realize I didn't feel as strongly as I do now about those moments because of the mood in general. Being relieved at my own performance, and surrounded by many who produced equal or better ones as well, it was admittedly hard to consider those who did not do as well, and it must have been even harder for them to be there amongst everyone else, which explains the breakdowns that could be seen across the hall. Rather than running off to find my other friends in the hall to find out how they did, I should have stuck with my class and been there for those who needed all the support they could get. But it was so hard for me to be feeling relieved, bursting with pride and happiness for mel, being at a loss for others, inquisitive and concerned about other friends' performances, and all those other feelings wrapped up consecutively in the same tight sphere.

After everyone gradually slipped away, and I managed to get ahold of the 4A boys and other people around school, we settled in the canteen to basically just stone. It was there where it hit me that it absolutely did not feel right at all, having friends who had been with me throughout the entire studying period, putting in similar amounts of effort, booking library tables together, climbing into raffles rooms together, but did not have fortune smile upon them. One for all, all for one; i'm pretty sure many of the NS boys have had this notion from the Three Musketeers instilled into them deeply through their 9 weeks of BMT, and it certainly rings true, but how can you be all for one when not everyone is feeling the same way? And no matter what I say, no matter what I do, it just seems so hypocritical, because if I were in their position, I would be pretty upset myself, and nothing others would say could make me feel better. But to leave them alone is no option as well, and I guess a suitable way of dealing with it was ignoring talk of applications and grades unless in personal talks.

A further realization, of how friday was the last opportunity to meet everyone I ever came to know in RJ en masse, stirred up more melancholiness within, and it was the cold, hard truth that those random meetings with random friends in random places in the school would be no more, and with the opportunities for meetings gone, perhaps the friendships would fade in time as well. Out of sight, out of mind; a talk on the instant messenger can hardly be counted as 'keeping in touch', unless both parties are on different continents. Sometimes, even the messenger creates a barrier to communication, with the Busy sentry or Away gatekeeper serving as deterrents to starting a conversation. I mean, if they wanted to have a chat with you, they'd do it of their own accord, and not always wait for you to take the initiative, since you never know what the sentry/gatekeeper mean.

Then again, it's not to say that this short duration of time passed by without any happiness as well, since it's been pretty much full of frequent meetings with old friends and people associated with blue. What with late night suppers and random meals and then a lengthy trek around the Far East for hanson's birthday, it's been round after round of contact. Excellent stuff, keeping up the connections that had sparked off 6 years ago, when we were young boys in tight white pants in a seminar room with bad haircuts and bad dress sense, doing inane things with projectors and notice boards and getting into trouble with literature teachers with moles. We had the fortune to meet individuals from a house named after a man but in a girl's school, teaming up to have a pretty unglamorous title but pretty excellent moments.

But the week also made me realize how incredibly, incredibly flawed I am. Talking to kennedy at chompchomp while waiting for a table and tearing endlessly from the spicy smoke emanating from the barbecued sambal stingrays, we both rose pertinent (while objectifiable) points about friendships. Ken mentioned that it's hard to make close friends that you can keep for a life (or even a long) time, and I added on to his point with my view that it's very weird to have many 'best friends', since the word 'best' denotates the presence of a friend who's numero uno. I'd draw the line at having a 'female best friend' and a 'male best friend', but anymore than that and it's just a bunch of 'really close friends'. Such a topic remains forever within our minds, even though right now what occupies the surface would be university/scholarship applications and decisions of what we should do with our lives. But alongside these future plans, comes the inescapable truth that no matter whether our plans bring us to foreign lands or new, unexplored local fraternities, we're going to be separated from the friends we've made prior to this.

Some people are very carefree and happy-go-lucky, or perhaps, confident in the strength of their friendships. Unfortunately, they might not know how the balance in their friendship lies. More often than not, there's going to be only one person who feels that the other means the world to him, whereas the other doesn't feel as strongly. I am so terribly flawed, to be oversensitive to what friends do or don't do, and have to learn to accept that friends have other friends too. I am so terribly flawed, to have such unrealistic expectations. I am so terribly flawed, to be always wanting more. Just because you wouldnt mind meeting up for dinner everyday and hanging out late into the night, just having a chat about anything, doesn't mean she wouldn't mind as well! I would think that's pretty duh, nigel.

Maybe when the day comes that I stop minding about it so much, I'll finally step off the friendship ladder for myself and find out what it's like to be on the other one.

and don't mind my nerve, you can call it fiction,
but I like being submerged, in your contradictions, dear.

And times, they turn, and hearts disfigure,
But there's no concern, when we're wounded together,
and we, tore our dresses, and we, stained our shirts,
but it's, nice today;
o, the wait was so worth it ...