That's it. The A levels are officially over for everyone that doesn't take H3, and it's certainly been quite a ride for all of us. It's been these few months, where you could see worry lining the faces of most of your friends, even those that have always performed well. Because it's this defining moment where we prove our mettle and show that we have what it takes, and if we fall short of it, we know that according to the ststus quo, our future prospects take a nosedive in terms of prosperity, while this may not necessarily be true. This feeling is especially heightened for most of us RI/RGS kids, having never taken a major exam since the PSLE was over and eon with 6 years ago.

The phrase on the mouths of most people right now is this, that our lives seem to be aimless; purposeless, and we're bored without having the intellectual distraction to occupy our minds. Definitely, it's not this way for some people, but we have gotten used to the studying even though it started to get dry towards the end. But indeed, I realize that no longer will we be heading back to school nearly every day to study. We're not going to be occupying the top floor of the library with our rowdiness (at times), not going to be going down for lunch during the 11.30 am to 1 pm window, we're not going to be coming back during weekends and taking orders for each other for lunch. We're not going to be packing up our stuff and leaving for dinner anymore. I'm not going to be walking that concrete path from S11 to J8 alone, with so many thoughts weighing on my mind. Certainly, we will go back to school for a variety of reasons, but no longer as often as we have, the way such that it had become routine.

We're not going to see each other as often as we used to. Even saying hi to each other along the corridors, while studying, while having lunch in the canteen, that used to be commonplace with the people that we didn't study with usually. But now with the end of the A levels, it's all going to fade away. I guess that's the problem with relationships outside of those that you normally hang out with. Out of sight, out of mind - an adage that rings painfully true in this case. We tend to forget those that we do not see frequently, because we're caught up in our own lives and in the moment. We may even take those people that we see so often for granted.

Granted, it's hard to keep everyone together. I'm pretty sure that the people in our class who want to get gatherings up and running feel pretty exasperated most of the time. It's not exactly very heartwarming to see people leaving a mass convo on MSN almost immediately after it's started, or to see unwilling responses to an enthusiastic idea. With all the different elements in our class, it's not unnatural that's it's hard for everyone to get along. That's why those with tightly bonded classes in RJ should count themselves lucky for being an anomaly, because even in such classes, not everyone is bonded together with the rest. And this is inevitable. Because no matter how much we try to emulate one another or fit in, humans like us are all different; even twins.

I guess the main thing that's going to be hard to deal with is having to adapt to the great deal of change that we have to face. Especially for me. Even now, I'm having problems coping with the mountains of change that have sprung up in my life over the past two years. Sure, there were some consistencies. All the heartbroken idiots constantly say that life before RJ was much less complicated without the presence of girls. Of course, being in a co-ed school makes everyone exposed to the opposite sex, even the most quiet and reserved ones. But it's not like we didn't meet them before we entered jc. Most of us met girls, whether it was through random outings, church, primary school friends, whatever. It's not like listening to melancholic songs and feeling confused and worked up over someone, with them being the only thought occupying our minds is that much of a new experience, something totally foreign and unimaginable before jc.

But in jc most people begin thinking about the more serious aspects of a relationship, and of life. Even if there's no romance involved in it, we know that the protective umbrella of going into an environment that's nearly the same the next year with all the familiar faces beaming at us has been taken away with the end of j2. That's why we look for the friends that we hope will last us a lifetime. It doesn't matter even if we make new friends in NS or while working in a part-time job or in university. Yeah, we definitely will. But to realize that all the friendships you made in your last 6 years actually weren't that solid afterall, or to know that you will never have a reason to see their faces again, is one of the worst feelings in the world. Especially so if there is romance involved. How many of the couples today have not wondered what married life would be like with their partner? Unless you're a player who's just interested in having someone latched onto your arm for the short term, it's a fact that you'll look at the relationship and wonder if you can see it through. Even if you get your heart broken, the fact that the pain is so real and that you don't just shrug it off in a few months - the fact that you'll never stop caring, never really stop loving the person that you once loved - shows that there was always a possibility, that there was something real there, whether tangible or not.

We are selfish people, at the end of the day. We care for our interests firsthand - then for those that we love. It's forgivable that we care for those in our immediate present more than those that we don't really get in contact with. But at the back of our minds, they're still always there. That's why it's understandable to be so caught up in oneself and another that there's no time, no opportunity, for others to be let in. I'm guilty of feeling resent at others constantly wanting to tag along when maybe sometimes all they needed was a little acceptance and affirmation for themselves. But at the same time, it also means that no matter the outcome, there's always going to be that one person who struggles to find the strength to keep going. While the outside world churns and burns in a fuelled rage, there's always that one person who feels the heat in a more intense manner than others. You've just - you've just got to deal, you know, with the thought that it's not going to be you doing this. You're not going to be included in this plan. You see these scenes in movies where they take photos together in a booth and laugh as they are developed, and you smile, thinking: 'What if?' But then you laugh again, a hardened edge twisting the laughter, because you know it's not going to be you.

And that's why it's going to be hard to leave RJ and everything behind. Because if you've had experiences and moments that you treasure, that have made you feel that there, right there's the reason why life's worth living - if you've held on to something so hard that your fingers bled as they fought to grasp hold while you were pulled away, you'll know that while momentary distractions serve their purpose well, time doesn't always heal all wounds. You'll never again look at some things in the same light. You'll always compare what you might have in the now and in the future, to what you had in the past. And you'll never really be able to let go.

Hey, i'm just a boy trying to get by. And if every night while I lie in my bed, those thoughts always return to that same thing, so be it.

Yeahhhh, more such nonsense to come when prom's over.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so.
Seems like it's been forever -
That you've been gone.