it could be just me, but it seems like this is a turning point in our lives as junior college students. with the girls putting their dossiers in order to prepare themselves for the submitting of overseas university applications immediately after the preliminary examinations, and everyone else doing the same thing as they wrest for a chance to obtain the college awards, it's a feast for the eyes if one were to be interested in this sort of thing, as you can see the emergence of sides of people that you never knew existed, that they actually think in such a way or are actually a certain type of person.

without a doubt, this period signifies a metamorphosis for many people. Being the last stretch, many have no qualms shedding their chrysalis to emerge as something that could perhaps be considered entirely different from how others have known them. And if they consider these two years and the people they have met to be merely grains of sand on the vast shore that is life, they'd certainly not give a hoot about how they are seen. Maybe it's also this period that everything is tested. Apart from our knowledge and intellect, a collection of other things are tested as well: how strong our connections are. how influential we can be. how consequential our actions are. how strong our relationships are.

Allow my mind to wander momentarily. The interesting thing about a blog is that even though its content is open for all to see, that's what limits the writer: do you want everyone to know what you are truly thinking? Or do you want to talk about it, but are afraid to disrupt the status quo and be barraged by a multitude of questions after a single unconventional entry, by your readers who also happen to be your friends, who never knew how you really felt. Remember what I said about how different sides of a person show up?

How hard is it to maintain relationships? Relationships in Raffles Junior College are really very situational. The relationship between two people can become steeled just so they happened to be together at a certain event, for example an acquaintance of yours is studying with you just as you receive a message that a relative of yours is gravely ill, and the mounting pressure of the sudden flux of emotions within you makes you pour out all the insecurities and doubts you have been having to this acquaintance in the span of half an hour. After that half hour, it is not unreasonable for both parties to consider themselves very close friends.

But what if they really don't have all that much in common? What if neither makes the effort to upkeep the relationship after this trying period of time? Heck, it doesn't even need the two of them to be nonchalant: any one person can seal the deal. I've no idea whether I've said this before, but when we are in our individual comfort zones, we don't see the need to reach out and find other zones. When we are not alone, we are mutually exclusive, to use a bad Mathematics pun. We don't need others to 'happen' in order for us to 'happen', we are already absorbed in our own Venn diagrams.

The President's Scholars up on the podium today delivered a run-of-the-mill, standard speech to the school populace. What they said at the end, that grades don't really matter (which happens to be complete bullshit, of course) but rather it is the people standing around us that matter. Obviously, 'standing around us' was a figure of speech, they did not mean the people literally in our immediate space, but rather the entire congregation of people that we have each come to know over our years here. But some relationships matter more to each person than others. No one wants to admit it, but everyone knows it. Since everyone is so clear of this fact, it seems redundant to acknowledge it, and we assume the facade that we just love everyone!!!

I'm not really sure how many relationships that I have would not crumble, if strain were to be placed on them. Without each other present, there may seem to be an icy block wedged between two people. But perhaps when together in the big group where we all belong, all the ice is melted and everyone gets along so well. Maybe to different people, maintaining relationships means different things. Maybe that viscous, vile concoction of noxious feelings that threaten to spill over within me so often is merely a product of different standards, different expectations. But in a life where the supposed only certainty is change, there are little things here and there that display the mark of what true friends are supposed to be like.

It is our human nature, sadly, that we have no trouble making use of one another callously. Not regarding how the other party feels is hence an action that really could crush others. People who we 'dont' really like to hang out with' normally suddenly become our best friend when we need them for something. The way we act changes. The way we speak to them changes. Specifically, it is the way we ask for something. And all this, based on a foundational friendship that exists, but does not really exist. Paradoxical? Certainly not. Ever heard the phrase "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family"? This is something similar then, because you can't help it if your friends can't help you with something, hence you ask a 'friend' for help. But given the choice, this 'friend' is not someone you would invite to chill out or attend a function together or anything belonging to any of the various categories of things that we as teenagers do. But hey! It certainly seemed that you were buddies, from the way you talked in that conversation where help was requested. Strange, isn't it?

Why do we act the way we do? What are our actions determined by? The answer to this for each individual varies so greatly, it outnumbers the drops of water in the ocean. After an hour long talk with justin today about the students' council, I realized the extent to which relationships can be poisoned based on preconceived opinions or just simple dislikes. I of course am guilty of a substantial amount of such ungrounded opinions as well. Although we may consider ourselves good judges of character, it is not a miracle to find ourselves wrong.

Maybe a little self-examination is in order for all of us. Me? Well, there's a tough one. Why do I act the way I do? What are my actions determined by?

"It's hard to say exactly. I guess it's like a trapdoor has opened up under your feet and you're falling. And at the same time there's this enormous feeling in your heart, like there's a weight on it, pressing it down."

I act the way I do because I've fallen one too many times and I'd like to stop falling.

And really, the sky's lost it's colour for me.