here I am sitting alone and a wave of emotion suddenly just crashes down upon me, such that I am powerless to do anything to save myself. It's not something that happens all the time, but that's not to say it doesnt happen quite a fair amount. I guess perhaps I'm just a person who does too much thinking, leading to maybe a little paranoia, insecurity, and all the other little devilish feelings combined. But then again, i've always been a rational person, backing up things with logic and reason. So I guess whatever I'm feeling's not really that unfounded after all.

You know, it's funny how everyone keeps repeating the tired old lines of 'you are the masters of your own destiny', 'you choose the direction your life leads', 'no one can stop you but you yourself', but yet so often we are limited by our circumstances as well as the shackles that others place upon us. And how could we decide what we want, choose what we feel, dictate what we can/cannot say, when our mind tells us one thing but our heart tells us another? the heart can be compared to the school bully in the yard at break, while the mind is merely the bookish boy with the thick glasses, curled up in a corner of the steps perusing his novel. While the mind actually knows what's best and what's good and what should be done, he can never get his way as long as the heart's around. The mind just doesnt have the ability to force the heart to stop feeling the way it feels, as it has no hold over the heart whatsoever. And yet, neither can live without the other. It's like the heart wants to hurt itself on purpose to disorient the mind, but can't achieve this purpose as the mind just shakes its head, pushes its glasses up further and goes 'I told you so'. It's the same as when you know you shouldn't be doing something, wanting something, feeling the need for something, but it's so god damn irresistible and likeable that you're just so overcome.

Sometimes we never expect certain things out of certain types of people, but they surprise us all the same. Sometimes we feel ready to take the next step thinking it's a ladder, only to find that the next step lands us onto a snake and we slide all the way back. But who are we to blame but ourselves, when it's the same stupid mistake that we keep making all the time? Reaching out to the far unknowns to try and grasp something, pursue something, that was never in reach in the first place, that was never ours. Then we berate ourselves, lady luck, our situation, anything and everything that we can get ahold of to make ourselves better but nothing really takes the pain away, no, nothing ever does.

And if I were to open my mouth and to let all the words tumble out I guess it's be making known how I feel. But to lose everything to gain a moment's respite: hardly worth it at all. If only the lives of the actors on the big screen, and their wonderful 'anything can happen, even if you fail, as long as you try' love stories can be mirrored onto my own - i'm hoping for a Hollywood. But it's not called 'acting' for nothing.

well, I guess I'm not that good anymore.
But I'll be there till the stars don't shine,
'till the heavens burst; and the words don't rhyme

we'll find a place, where the sun still shines