When you're full of angst and feeling like bashing your own skull in for inadequacy, nu metal is the ideal music to give vent to whatever crap that's churning around inside you. And I say this even though I only listen to Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. But it's really excellent 'cos the lyrics and the grind of the instruments fits the mood like a glove made for your hand.

Today during civics it was free time so our class just -attempted- to have activities together. Ended up sitting in a circle in the amphi and playing typical games, which was okay I guess, other than the failed polar bear. During one of the games longqing was trying to make me smile and after attempting do so nicely she just ended up crapping and saying 'You're stupid.', which made me laugh of course 'cos I know lq doesn't mean it.

Then again, after getting back my f-ed up seahist paper today, lq's words do make some sense. After reading the comments and looking through what I wrote, it really seems that I am stupid. Now I might not even get a B for hist even though whenever my science friends ask me how hist is, I nonchalantly proclaim it as a 'freebie' (free B, get it?) subject 'cos as long as you regurgitate the info that you pound into your head during your studying time, the essays are such that you more or less are assured of a B, unlike, say, Chem where you can practise and revise till the blood cells in your hand experience atrophy and still not do well during the test. But asking myself why I didn't reproduce what I should have done during the test after getting back the results is futile and grasping at air.

I need to reach the level where I can worry my ass off over any soon coming results, fretting about not doing well, and actually still do well. 'Do well' here not being an A or whatever, that's called 'achieving godlike status' for me not 'doing well'. Currently, at least. F, really damn stupid. Some people can just go in without studying or studying the bare minimum and still produce something that's good and pleasing and worthy of the effort that they put in. Just natural talent maybe or a naturally higher IQ and deftness of hand at answering questions.

Smartmouth, smartass, smartaleck, actsmart, I am all of these except for the actual smart. Can think on your feet fast and shoot off a witty comeback to wtfpwn your friend while engaging in some verbal jousting? Excellent, good for you. Can come up with some witty remark to amuse yourself and others and make a mockery out of stuff like that? Mmmm, WELL DONE. Sorry, actually there is absolutely no use at all to this. My, oh wait, your bad.

Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how trying to push myself not to lose
Just takes so much out of me

Forfeit the game
Before somebody else
Takes you out of the frame
And puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
You can't run the race
The pace is too fast
You just won't last

Heart full of pain
Head full of stress
Handful of anger
Held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood, sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear

'Cause from the start to the end
No matter what I pretend
The journey's more important than the end or the start
And what it meant to me
Will eventually be
A memory of a time when I tried so hard

If I could change I would
Take all the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all the shame to the grave