could imsomnia be an actual problem?
damn, I don't know. Screwed-up body clocks tend to make you wonder. Not that I can't sleep of course, but i'm awake and asleep at all these weird times. Waking up at 1.40 am after a long nap that you didn't intend to take is kind of interesting. I guess it all started from the consecutive 2 days in a row 5 am sleepytimes.

but being all alone in the solitude (which is a rather redundant statement to make) is really a time when you are left with nothing but your thoughts and perhaps your music. A time to think, a time to consider, a time to sort out the raging tempest of a million stormclouds and hopefully try to form some sunlight out of it all.

sometimes we should take a look at ourselves and examine our character to try to draw out our flaws. humans are base creatures due to our fallen nature and it is certainly not hard for our darker sides to emerge, assuming that these sides are hidden in the first place. more often than not, we choose to ignore something that we could actually learn in order to make ourselves better, be it a trait that our friends possess or an experience that puts us in our place.

maybe I just view things from a different perspective than some. Perhaps I just wear my heart on my sleeve all the time. Meaningcheck: emotional and vulnerable, and sometimes recklessly so. Well ... nah. But an emotional perspective could be said to be somewhat similar to mine. And it's not how I want to feel, I don't want to be enraptured in all these dark feelings that describe the bitter nature that we can sometimes possess; I want to look on the bright side of things and count my blessings and give thanks for what I've got and accept things as they are and try and be happy that I am given this blessed life. And I think I shall make a conscious effort to do so. But it's easier said than done actually.

Memories are really a powerful thing - they give our lives an entirely new aspect when we reminisce and consider what we've done, what we could have done, and what we should not have done. Maybe that's why girls like to take so many photographs. You'd be hard-pressed to find a girl in RJ without a camera (or cameras) of her own. Hence the term, 'camwhore'. Which is rather sexist and degrading to the female population to loop the term 'whore' along, but hey we didn't coin the term so let's just roll with it. So anyway, the 9028312098 photos that the girls take of themselves and their friends and whatever interesting exciting experience they go through or perhaps just a simple gathering or outing, may seem a little frivolous, trivial and a waste of perfectly good digital storage space.

And believe me, if the day comes that at all of our outings, us guys should do the same thing, I would probably ask everyone whether they had newly been castrated or something. But if we hired a girl to do all the snappin' for us, it would actually be a great way to record what we've gone through together. Because when you come to think about it, what other solid way is there of recording these times other than photographs? Someitime 10 years from now, the girls will be able to pull out their folders from their PCs/thumbdrives/memory sticks/albums/charcoal drawings/cave carvings/etc. and fondly look through their photos, remembering those times where they happily sank their cattish claws into one another over the same guy. Nah I'm kidding. But you get the picture (pun intended).

When you 'remember the good times', as the cliche goes, and compare them to the situation of your life now, it's a good exercise as you'll find things that you could never have experienced in your yesteryears happening to you now, good things that bring a smile to your face and make you joyful. But at the same time you'll be wishing certain things could go back to the way they were, that you could feel how you used to feel, that others could feel how they used to feel. That you should have done something to improve the quality of your current life, way back then. But you could not have known then, could you, otherwise you'd be a curly-haired black woman sitting in a retro home waiting for Keanu Reeves to come and ask you for advice (yes I get the irony about the curly hair). The wistful wants that we have now cannot be fulfilled if the people around us have morphed that drastically and no longer have the same priorities, can they now.

And it's not like the present does not hold enough problems of its own. A talk Ivan and I had made us realize the monotony of most jobs nowadays and the limitations the various subject combinations have for us in the future. With the looming 2 years of life-wastage notwithstanding (for those of you that walk instead of run, I'm referring to NS), which is another 'great, just great' thing itself seeing as all the girls as well as the non-singaporean guys will be happily moving on to NS and possibly forgetting all about us as they go through a whole new round of getting to know others (our seniors, ironically) and fitting in. Wonderful, isn't it. Now, I just need to go take up piano-playing and escape for a few years then come back and pay a $5000 fine... I jest, of course.

Everyone has their own memories to cling to and to hold on to. Some just have more time than others to waste, lingering upon them rather than living in the present. But it's often the present that brings us back for what do humans do other than compare how things were to how they are. It's only natural, and it all boils down to your ability to shove them aside and concentrate on the current, while focusing on the future. But it doesn't mean we cannot have the hope that history could repeat itself once again. If the history's a good one, of course.

I could actually throw it all away for you're already enrapturing enough.

A star, so bright, you blind me